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June 19, 2012 / mrsdeboots

Much ado about Frida

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I tried to make her face not look like a blob, and I’ve found any way I work it, I hate it. 

I dislike the whole artist attitude of, oh, I created this, and I despise it, so please tell me how great it is, so I can feed my ego while appearing modest.  It’s not that.  I really don’t like it.  At all.

I wish I could be 100% happy with anything I made.  I really do! I want an ego, I’ve often tried to fake one, and it consistently fails me.

Fake it till you make it doesn’t always necessarily help.  In fact, I believe it makes things worse, at least for me. 

Putting work into anything you care about is often a shot in the dark.  I’ve accepted failure at many personal levels, professional levels, I mean, life in general levels. 

I’ve had bad days recently where I’ve cried so hard that I literally have to force myself to stop, as I physically cannot breathe, the inside of my nose being so swollen that the snot is backing up into my throat. 

I think I’m at the age now where honesty with oneself is important, and its often painful. I can handle things usually, mostly with humor, but when I can’t, I instantly am 5 years old again, a lonely only child, way too in my own head, sad because I don’t have a soul to talk to.

Maybe this is why I stopped doing any type of art for so long. Putting time and attention into someone that may let you down is devastating to me, and I take it harder than most. But failing myself with only myself to blame is pure misery.

Why am I sharing? Misery loves company. Ha!

See? Talking it out has already made me feel better.

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